Who Makes Therapy Work?
How many of us have had the experience of visiting a hair salon and walking out feeling delighted with the result, only to be disappointed some time later when we have washed our hair and failed to style it as well as the stylist?
G.P.s frequently have patients who come to them, wanting to be prescribed something to make their problem go away, but are unwilling to listen to the suggested life style and dietary changes which would prevent the issue in the first place.We would all like to find someone who can wave a magic wand and make all our troubles disappear.
In real life, we need to learn how to style our own hair and we need to accept responsibility for whatever we are doing that might be contributing to our health problems.
Therapy works in just the same way as visiting a hair salon or your doctor, in that, as the client, you are a very active participant in your own healing process.
COUNTERINTUITIVE
If you have never received some therapy which you found effective,this might seem counter intuitive. Deciding to contact a Therapist can often feel like a last resort; in my initial consultations with client I so often hear words like, ‘completely stuck’, ‘no way forward’ or ‘total despair’. Surely, people who are feeling that desperate cannot be expected to take an active part in their therapy?
When people are feeling anguished, so ‘stuck’, it can be be tempting to look for someone who will provide solutions, who will tell them what to do to make everything all right again. When the source of these feelings is ‘outside’ the person concerned - life events which have caused them pain, like losing a job or a relationship, it can also be tempting to look for sympathy and agreement that Life has been deeply unfair.
In some situations in life, the former can be helpful, just as a kind friend who provides a shoulder to cry on can also be soothing. However, when people start to consider Therapy, they are usually in a place where they need something different, because they realise that well meant advice and a sympathetic friend are not actually helping them to effect real change in the way they are feeling.
A GOOD THERAPIST IS DIFFERENT FROM A GOOD FRIEND
A good Therapist will never tell you what to do and whilst sympathetic to your situation and holding you in unconditional positive regard, they will not encourage you to continuously re-tell the story of your distress. We all like to think that we are in control of our outer lives, yet in reality everything that we hold dear can change and disappear in an instant. A quick glance at the news will confirm that this is exactly what happens to people all over the world on any day. In reality, the only locus of control that we have is within ourselves.
Therapy supports us in examining what is going on within us, in reflecting upon it and making changes where and when we decide to do so. By so doing, our outer circumstances change too - even if it is only by becoming far less painful for us to bear.
A Therapist metaphorically holds you in safety and facilitates your journey into why you are feeling the way you are and then finding your personal power and sense of yourself as you climb out of the darkness and are able to move forward. It is you who does the work.