Shadow Lands
My father was the only boy and the baby of a family of four. From his privileged and favoured position he used to observe the behaviour and inter sibling dynamics of his older sisters. He used to tell me that the things which annoyed each of them the most about each other, which caused the worst and oft repeated rows, were the exact behaviours and habits which they were themselves guilty of.
They have all now, sadly, passed on, but the pattern is all around and within us. As you probably know, in Psychology it is called Projection:
“Projection is the process of displacing one’s feelings onto a different person, animal, or object. The term is most commonly used to describe defensive projection—attributing one’s own unacceptable urges to another.”
Exactly. Most of us are aware of other people doing it to each other, and, more potently, to us, but how often do we realise we ourselves are doing it to other people?
SO DOES IT MATTER?
Well, so what? Does it matter? Isn’t it just a part of life and everyday behaviour? Of course it is, but if we are on a path of developing self awareness, of enhancing our relationships with the other people in our life, then becoming conscious of projection is, in my experience, a gift which keeps on giving.
Firstly, when we are on the receiving end of other people’s projection on to us, at its worst when we are being bullied, it can help enormously to realise what exactly is going on. Depending on the situation and your relationship with them, it can take a bit of thought and insight to unpick and to find a way to navigate through it. In a bullying situation, this might take rather more work and guidance from a life coach or a therapist might help.
However, when we realise that we are projecting our own anxieties or dislike of our own behaviour patterns and when we become irritated or worse with other people, two things happen.
One is that we can no longer blame the other person (admittedly, this can be a bit irritating!).
The other is that we have to take total and complete responsibility for our own behaviour, our own ‘stuff’. This moment of realisation can come as a bit of a shock, but as we pass through it we come out on the other side where we realise that having total responsibility is actually very empowering.
This is the beginning of Embracing the Shadow. We all have regrets, memories of times when we we were not our best selves, of opportunities not taken, of people we may have hurt. Allowing ourselves to acknowledge and to accept all of this and to then let it go in some way is a wonderful and ultimately liberating practice. Sometimes we can do this for ourselves; sometimes we need therapeutic help to work our way through it.